Out Of Character May 20, 2008

I feel like a lot of the stuff that I do these days is completely out of character for me.  What I think has happened is that I am still trying to figure out who I really am and maybe this stuff is not actually out of character but is instead just out of my ordinary.

I booked holidays today based on someone else.  A boy!  For one week in August and one week in September we are going to be off work at the same time.  It’s a huge commitment.  And as big of a commitment as it is?  It’s not as scary as I thought it would be.  Now granted that’s still a really long time away but providing that things continue to go well, we will be spending our vacation together.  Probably camping, for sure at least one weekend on the bike and maybe some boating.  I have an idea in my head of what I hope it will be like.  I am bright enough however, to not bank on it going like I had planned.  Nothing this far has gone like it has in my head and so far it’s all turned out pretty well.

Not to mention that there is a pretty major hurdle to get over before we start going away or spending any overnights together.  I’m so frigging nervous about that, I can hardly stand it!  I was crazy nervous about the kissing too but that’s turned out really, REALLY well.  Just jump in and trust both myself and him, I suppose.  I do know that I’m starting to get mentally prepared for it and that seemed to work pretty well for the kissing.  I’m going to be inviting him to stay over on May 31st.  We’ll see what he says.  I’m not giving him a tonne of time to think about it, I’ll suggest it this weekend and then it would be the following weekend.  Either answer is fine but I don’t want him to give it too much thought, first response is usually the best one.  I’m doing the same for myself…I haven’t figured out how I’m going to approach it or what I’m going to say, so far I’m not even positive that I’m going to do it so again, the first response/thought is going to be the winner one.

Also Saturday is the first day on the bike with Ray.  I’m totally nervous about that!  I think it’ll be a good step towards the paragraph above since I will be putting myself completely in his hands.  I’m not so good with giving up control and in both instance I won’t really be in control, moreso with the bike but also with the other.

My general new theory is to not worry until there is something to worry about and so that’s what I’ll do (or not do as the case may be!).

Set Up To Fail May 18, 2008

Sometimes in life there come instances where a person truly is set up to fail, where there is no right answer, no way to come out ahead.  What if though, you are setting yourself up to fail?  Who do you have to blame then?  I maintain that when you set yourself up to fail it is your subconscious telling you to reassess what you’re doing and how and see if there is not a better way.

After a two day hiatus from running I went out today.  I wore my new fuel belt for the first time in hopes that it was dehydration that’s been causing my side cramps.  I had Pedialyte in one bottle and water in the other four so already I had changed what I’m used to as far as carrying extra weight.  Add to that, I had JUST eaten lunch.  Add to that it was about 24 degrees outside and brilliantly sunny.  Not bad in and of itself but to run in?  When you’re already a little nervous and trying to solve a recurring condition?  Idiot!  I couldn’t even make it past the halfway mark.  I had absolutely nothing in me to give and spent the majority of the run berating myself.  I chalked it up as a complete failure.  Until I reassessed.  First of all, no running in the heat!  Morning or evening only.  As it gets to summer time I have to learn how to deal with that and heat running just isn’t an option for me.  Maybe it’s easier for seasoned runners, they might have the foundation to be able to cope with something like that.  For me I still struggle every run to get it done, adding in something like the heat is just silly.

The cramping also hasn’t gotten better and I’m really quite upset about that.  It makes me nervous right from the first step, wondering how bad it’s going to be and that takes the fun right out of it!  I believe that it’s a combination of hydration and breathing but I’m uncertain how to rectify it.  I’ll keep pushing though, keep trying and I’ll find a way past it!

So did I set myself up to fail on today’s run?  Yes.  Am I going to call it a failure?  No!

Why Run? May 13, 2008

Sometimes when I mention my running to people they look at me like I’m crazy or say something like “I only run if I’m being chased.”.   I’m not particularly fast and I’m sure I’m not doing it the exact ‘right’ way but I do it anyway because it’s a part of me.  It’s a part of me that was always there but was buried so deeply that I couldn’t let it out.  I used to dream about it though.  I’d have these super vivid dreams about  how it would feel to run and then I’d wake up and realize that I was nowhere near able to do what I was dreaming about and it would make my heart sink a little.  Now I am awake and fully able and it feels exactly like I used to dream it would feel.  It feels free and alive and vibrant and I know it’s what I was meant to do.  It’s hard, don’t get me wrong.  It’s also fun and challenging and slightly competetive (with myself).  It’s time to think and time to shed baggage.  It’s the ability to literally run away from my thoughts.  I can turn the music up so loud that it drowns out every thought in my head or I can turn it off completely and concentrate on just the sound of my breath and my feet on the asphalt.  It’s something that I do just for me, there is no one to impress, no one else factors in at all.  It makes me feel good that I am able to do it and it makes me feel good when I’m done.  People often say that no one enjoys the actual act of running, they just like the feeling when it’s over.  I completely disagree.  I like the feeling of breathing hard, of sweating, of pushing my body to do something good for it.  Some days all I can think about is coming home and putting my runners on.  I crave it and I look forward to it.  It’s a constant in my shifting world.   

It’s not just the act of running but the act of running outside.  A treadmill just doesn’t compare.  Running outside gives me a connection to nature that I didn’t always have before.  Physically there is an interaction between me and the weather.  When it’s warm out I sweat more, when it’s sunny I get freckles and when it’s rainy…well, I get wet.  Those things are direct connections that I didn’t always have before.  There is a difference between standing outside on a warm day and running outside on a warm day.  You feel that warmth differently than you do when you’re lounging on a patio.  It’s more real somehow and it makes me feel more alive.

I realize that this post doesn’t capture the essence of what it feels like for me to be a runner.  It comes close but I think perhaps I’m not meant to be able to explain exactly what it feels like.  I think I might only be meant to experience it and know that the only people who will understand even slightly what I’m getting at are those who are born with a runner inside of them.

 

Never Forget May 12, 2008

There are things that are going on right now that I never, ever want to forget.  I never want to forget how it felt the first time he held my hand.  I never want to forget how every time he kisses me he makes me melt.  I never want to forget the feeling of losing my breath just by being lip to lip, close but not quite touching.  I never want to forget how his hands feel on my back.  I never want to forget the look on his face when he sees me after it’s been a couple of days.  I never want to forget how he smells, how he tastes, how he feels.  I never want to take his desire to be with me for granted.

I always want to remember the way he kissed me so thoroughly and unexpectedly on the Granville Station escalator, his way of distracting me from my fear of heights.  I always want to remember the way he opens up his arms to me and lets me snuggle in.  I always want to remember the feeling in my tummy when we sway together in the kitchen, his thumbs running down my spine.

I can feel my heart shattering every time he kisses me.  I feel it breaking into a million pieces every time I think about the future.  I feel him crushing it every time we’re together and so the heart that I started out with is no longer the one that beats in my chest.  I don’t know how to do this.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or think or do.  I worry that this may break me, that I finally have what I’ve been waiting for and that I’ll never be able to recover from it.  I’m scared to death and it’s the best kind of fear I’ve ever felt.

Well, “Hi There!” May 11, 2008

It actually took slightly longer than I thought it would to get over here and start writing again.  After closing Lady Shanny Says I felt free in a way.  Free of having to chronicle what was going on in my life.  In a way I felt like I got my privacy back.  The thing is that I need to write for myself.  It’s my outlet and it’s how I let things work themselves out.  Aside from that it’s also how I keep track of events and circumstances.  It’s a diary of sorts although I have never been able to commit myself to writing in a diary.  I knew I would come over here, I’ve had this address for awhile now.  What I didn’t know is when I would feel the urge to come over here.  I guess the urge has struck!

I’m not entirely certain what this website is going to turn out to be yet.  I have stuff going on in my life that I need to work out, stuff that I want to talk about, pictures that I want to post.  What I don’t want is for this to turn into the old website at a new address.  The other site was so much of who I am that it might be a bit of a struggle finding a new angle to write from.  I’ll find that angle though.

I haven’t decided if I’m giving this website address out just yet.  I do know that if I do give it out that I will not allow comments.  The comments became a bit of an issue on the other site because I was pouring my heart out and in some instances I wouldn’t get a single comment but I saw people reading the posts and in other instances I would get what felt like unsolicited advice.  So this site?  No comments.  Also I will only be writing here when the urge strikes me.  Usually that’s pretty often but I found that with the readership that I had on the old website that I was feeling a lot of pressure to put up posts on a very regular basis and posts that meant something or moved people.  I’m going to run this site as more of a partnership within my life rather than a force driving my life.

That’s it for now.  I had to just dip my toes in the water and introduce myself to this new website.  Consider us fast friends!